Love will guide my way...I hope.

My main reason for writing this blog is simply to help myself get a clear head. For the past few months I can’t seem to figure out how to get out of Santa Fe. Money always seems to be the most important aspect when deciding to move. Luckily for me it’s flowing out of my ears. Can you sense my sarcasm? Money will continue to control my life, unless I marry a rich man, so my mother says. To me that seems like an old-fashioned ideology: the man must fully support you while you spend all day cooking in the kitchen, wearing high-heeled shoes. I’d rather marry for love. However, plenty of divorcees can argue that the lust and love begins to fade away. Well, I can still hope.
I am torn between two wonderful places at this time: Florida and Germany. June of 2009, I fell in love with a German boy. One could say that it was my fault I fell in love knowing his location from the beginning. I felt something special the 4-5 weeks I spent with Benni. I wasn’t searching for love at the time, and I was truly focusing on myself. I think that’s the best way for it to happen. My feelings progressed quickly and I didn’t want to push them aside. I knew he was from another country. I thought about it every day, but mainly I focused on how magnificent he had me feel. I knew he was someone that doesn’t come around too often. I was lucky.
When Benni left back to Germany I was devastated. I cried for days, and I was so unsure how we were going to work. I put aside my thoughts on moving to Florida and saved my money for a ticket to Frankfurt. That decision was by far one of the best I’ve ever made- to this day. My time with Benni in Germany truly confirmed my love for him. It grew daily, and I even pondered what life would be like in Germany. The best part would be him. Since my visit in September 2009, Benni came to see me in December. Although the time apart felt like forever, I was very fortunate to have a man who truly wanted to make us work. We had a remarkable time together in the states. When he left I knew it was truly the real thing.
So now this left me more confused than ever. I had a goal to move to Florida and be close to my family. My brother is one of my best friends and I miss him every day. When I’m close to him, I feel as if I’m home again….wherever that is. Plus, I’ve always wanted to try living near the ocean. I loved the green grass and the feeling of community on the boardwalks. Applying for jobs in Florida and living in Santa Fe, is a little difficult. My sister-in-law is the editor of South Florida Parenting magazine and was able to get me an interview. I’m still waiting on my yes or no (thanks for ruining my life). If I don’t get a job in Florida, maybe I’m destined to go to Germany. What’s truly holding me back from experiencing Europe with the greatest man? Let me list my worries:
1. Money.
2. Job (possibly teach English).
3. Money.
4. Health Insurance (we all know I’m the queen of getting sick).
5. Work Visa.
6. Job availability.
I did list money, right? I can pretty much list the same damn things over and over again. These are all fears, something I shouldn’t let control my life. Are they truly reasons to hold myself back? Everyone says, “Do it!” However, if you were in my shoes, would you truly ‘do it’ or have the deep fear I hold?
What I do know is that I love Benni. He is supportive and accepting of whatever decision I make. If I decide to go to Florida, he will make a solid effort to come to the states. I just know that it will take extreme dedication. We are both willing to make adjustments for each other. I suppose that’s the greatest part of all. Both of us want to be together no matter what it takes. It’s more than complicated missing someone across an ocean. But I have to stay hopeful that my path will lead me to him….maybe Florida….maybe Germany. Right now every day is a struggle in my attempt to get there. When I want something, I want it now. I need and want Benni tomorrow, but if I must wait for him, I really don’t want to wait in Santa Fe. Dear God, please get me out of Santa Fe.