The foreigner in Germany

For once I will be the foreigner. Well, not including those times in Mexico as a child. However, those stays didn’t last longer than ten days.

May 2010. I will do my best to prepare for a new life in Germany. I have about four months to save money, and get myself mentally ready. I believe that it’s enough time to accomplish my mental preparation, but money will always be an issue: lifelong. I’m going to be 26 this March and I don’t have a profession. I’m going to travel to Europe with the money in my pocket on an adventure for love - let’s just hope my Rosetta Stone gets to me sooner than later! Anyway, I feel that there is a possible future with Benni. When I visited him September ’09 it was surreal. I loved the green hills in Germany, and the hundreds of people walking the streets. The buildings, homes and streets reflected an ancient time, mostly not influenced by modern times. I adored the purity of every town I saw: Einback, Hannover and Heidelberg. It was so simple to step outside your door and roam the streets. The transportation was uncomplicated and effective for the town. I never felt alone. In fact I’ve never before wanted to be outside as much as in Germany. It’s truly romantic.
Heidelberg was definitely more diverse than I could have imagined. I don’t think anyone could have felt out of place in that city. I suppose it’s because so many students travel abroad to Heidelberg. When I was there I ran into someone from New Mexico, so bizarre! The castle was astonishing in this town. Benni and I often ate at little restaurants right off the cobblestone streets. When I turned my head, there was the castle shinning in my view. However, I understood why Benni chose Hannover as his permanent residence. Hannover had a sense of calmness. I could see it being a perfect place for families. The gardens, parks and pathways were so inviting. I wanted to jump on a bike and ride all day. The nightlife was still wild and amusing. It felt like everyone under 40 was out, and ready to dance. Everyone seemed so alive. I guess I felt like there was always something to do in Germany.
When I was with Benni I truly saw myself there. I imagined a life with him and seeking our possibilities of a future. Now, I’m not sitting here saying that I’m going to run away to Germany, get married and have babies. That is truly not my goal. I am just SO ready to try something new and unfamiliar. If anything, I will learn from the people and their culture. You know…I am a little German (less than half, but it still counts)! Which I know is far more believable than me being Mexican – which is also VERY true!
Anyway, I don’t know how long I plan to stay in Germany. I honestly can’t answer that question. If I’m jobless and out of luck I will come home, but I will be glad I tried. I also know that the most difficult part of all this is that my family is in the US. Benni is from Germany and neither of us can expect each other to say goodbye to our countries. That’s something for me to think about later down the road…if it all works out. I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my battle with deciding on where to go. I know I am a person who lives with a lot of fear. Especially fear of the unknown. It’s time for me to embrace my sociable side. The fearful Carly has officially retired.

Yes, we all get old.

I was laughing with our neighbor/friend Norm a while back about aging. It seems to be a topic that generally comes up while I'm sitting at the table with my elders. There was a doctor on television who spoke of how we all want to hold on to life. I may not be accurately quoting him, but this is what I remember, "Some of us just need to face the fact that one-hundred percent of us die!" I don't think we'll ever face that fact!
Let's say we have a terminal illness, but have fought it for numerous years, we'll still have hope. No one wants to die, nor does anyone want to truly think about the afterlife (unless of course you have true faith). Well, I believe that when we reach a certain point we're simply ready to go. I can't imagine that we'd want to live 5 months hooked up to a breathing machine, struggling every second for a breath. That has to be some form of hell, and your family is either there for you, or their not. They will either throw you in a home, or be kind enough to take you in theirs. I know when my grandmother lived with us for 5 years, completely bedridden, my mother held onto her the last month. We tried everything to remove the mucus from her lungs. When truly, she just wanted all of us to let her go. Life is bizarre, and Norm has told me plenty of times to live it joyfully while you can. I agree with that. Eventually we all have an end-I don't mean to be morbid. We'll truly never really know our purpose, so let's face reality. Even if that means denying it and living a chaotic life! Whatever floats your boat. I really believe that you can learn from people who have lived a plentiful life. Whether they've failed or succeeded. Well, according to societies standards anyway. He just sent me this email on his view about this little poem about a "crabby old man." Definitely an intense perspective:


The problem is that once the "covering" goes--the "tubing" rife with leaks and oozes--one is treated (especially by medical people who see it all the time) like the used up blubber we become if around long enough. And few (sometimes even those who know us best) will care about the history, the past, the nostalgia, the events, the highlights of life or the personal tales we all possess after so many years on the planet. Like rusting cars stripped of their best parts and left to rust in junkyards, there's little to recommend us. The view is certainly much better somewhere else--anywhere else. That shiny new sleek factory-smelling roadster in the showroom driven off with pride, as the newborn is carried from the hospital, soon morphs into just another possession destined to oxidize and tarnish and wrinkle and blotch into the unattractive hulk that "crabby old man" represents. It is the way of things in the world. For all time and not just our own. And I think of my two wives, who both left at 44. Too early for sure, but in a sense lucky that they avoided the last sad, inglorious, insulting, demeaning, disgusting days in a home or a hospital bed attached to tubes and catheters. Oregon, eh? Or Switzerland maybe? Or anywhere if the means exist. Hmmmmm. There's hope yet. N.

(I hope he's ok with me posting this-his perspective sometimes is pure genius)

Optimism for Journalism

Is journalism slowly fading out? I think so – there goes my future.

I contemplated so many majors before attending college. However, all the ones that you truly want to do usually have no income: a dancer, actor or artist. Now, I thought by choosing journalism I would grasp a better education. That part is definitely true. But today I might as well be that struggling actor in Los Angeles bartending or waiting tables at Hooters. I never really wanted to write for print, because I had more of a creative-writing style. The problem today is I just want to write: something. Why the hell are there no jobs?
I can see that blogs are definitely becoming the future for readers. Usually they have wide-ranged topics. I suppose no one likes to pick up the “giant” newspaper and search for their topic of interest. I bet the pages are just too large and intimidating. Anyway, blogs are great, but no matter what, you’re still reading someone’s opinion. I’m only complaining because I wonder where this places me. I still have a dream to become a news anchorwoman. I don’t feel that broadcast journalism will ever fade out. I guess we can call the E! Television people reporters, but what do they really report? They’re more like entertainers. I don’t really feel that is quality journalism, but it’s definitely entertaining. So why is this downfall happening? I went to college studying The Associated Press Stylebook (I have a love/hate relationship with that book), and I don’t think blogging really requires that specific knowledge. On the internet everything goes. Everyone overuses ellipsis’ (…), and everyone now abbreviates their words. I don’t claim to be the greatest journalist. I am so far from being great. I just feel this economy is putting us journalists all on the backburner. Well, I’m done roasting.
Facebook is the new place where we all go to put a word in. We know someone will listen: our friends. Plus it’s highly entertaining to watch people write in their own Ebonics-shit language. Since when was the word life spelled l-y-f-e? Oh, my favorite is sentences that go as follows, “Im wachin’ the gamz n drinkin beerz. Thatz tha lyfe, lol.” Really, was I supposed to understand that language? I admit that maybe it was fun in preschool to abbreviate and put z after every word, but we’re adults now. Maybe I can get a job on Facebook and write to all the people using that made-up language and send corrections. I understand not being great at grammar – it’s been my downfall. I just hope that those people don’t walk into work interviews talking like that.
Q: Why do you believe you’re qualified to work here?
A: I gotz skillz. I wunt ma lfye ta b betta.
Q: What did you just say?
A: I sud, I gotz skillz. Truzt me. Rofl, lol, fo sho….

So I hope later down the road I can still manage to be some form of a journalist. I hope the demand grows, not because there is a war and tragic news to tell, but because people love to hear the voice of a journalist. I hope we can bring something new and genuine to the table. I think the internet is a great way to go, I just hope a greater income can come of it. Writing is great, even if it comes for free.
Sadly, not all of us even have the opportunity to write a book and get it published. Today the people writing books are has-beens who only get published because of their celebrity ranking. That’s all they need, more money. They’re already making more than doctor’s: seriously? That is total crap if you ask me. Hollywood needs to step aside and let the real writers in.
So basically my point is, if I have a point, that I have hope for the future of journalism. I hope that I don’t have to become a lifelong retail girl – no offense retail people. Journalism jobs just need to fall out of the sky. I am waiting with my arms wide open.

Father Sky

The stars flutter through my hair and between my fingers. With each movement of my toes, I wait for another star to touch my skin. When there is silence there is absence.
The orbital planets align around my body. The father sky surrounds my loneliness and separates me even further from the strength I need. He leaves me lingering through nothingness....and I float.....I float waiting for another star, and hoping his love will cause an explosion that brings me to ground. He stays still and allows me to hear nothing but the panting of my anxiety. I aggressively grab each star in my hand to calm the hell of my massive black hole. Each one crumbles slowly beneath my fingernails. His burning presence has left me unsettled and I soon realize I must float alone....to no where......to somewhere....
Always without his comfort
Always without his passion
My absent father sky

Love will guide my way...I hope.

My main reason for writing this blog is simply to help myself get a clear head. For the past few months I can’t seem to figure out how to get out of Santa Fe. Money always seems to be the most important aspect when deciding to move. Luckily for me it’s flowing out of my ears. Can you sense my sarcasm? Money will continue to control my life, unless I marry a rich man, so my mother says. To me that seems like an old-fashioned ideology: the man must fully support you while you spend all day cooking in the kitchen, wearing high-heeled shoes. I’d rather marry for love. However, plenty of divorcees can argue that the lust and love begins to fade away. Well, I can still hope.
I am torn between two wonderful places at this time: Florida and Germany. June of 2009, I fell in love with a German boy. One could say that it was my fault I fell in love knowing his location from the beginning. I felt something special the 4-5 weeks I spent with Benni. I wasn’t searching for love at the time, and I was truly focusing on myself. I think that’s the best way for it to happen. My feelings progressed quickly and I didn’t want to push them aside. I knew he was from another country. I thought about it every day, but mainly I focused on how magnificent he had me feel. I knew he was someone that doesn’t come around too often. I was lucky.
When Benni left back to Germany I was devastated. I cried for days, and I was so unsure how we were going to work. I put aside my thoughts on moving to Florida and saved my money for a ticket to Frankfurt. That decision was by far one of the best I’ve ever made- to this day. My time with Benni in Germany truly confirmed my love for him. It grew daily, and I even pondered what life would be like in Germany. The best part would be him. Since my visit in September 2009, Benni came to see me in December. Although the time apart felt like forever, I was very fortunate to have a man who truly wanted to make us work. We had a remarkable time together in the states. When he left I knew it was truly the real thing.
So now this left me more confused than ever. I had a goal to move to Florida and be close to my family. My brother is one of my best friends and I miss him every day. When I’m close to him, I feel as if I’m home again….wherever that is. Plus, I’ve always wanted to try living near the ocean. I loved the green grass and the feeling of community on the boardwalks. Applying for jobs in Florida and living in Santa Fe, is a little difficult. My sister-in-law is the editor of South Florida Parenting magazine and was able to get me an interview. I’m still waiting on my yes or no (thanks for ruining my life). If I don’t get a job in Florida, maybe I’m destined to go to Germany. What’s truly holding me back from experiencing Europe with the greatest man? Let me list my worries:
1. Money.
2. Job (possibly teach English).
3. Money.
4. Health Insurance (we all know I’m the queen of getting sick).
5. Work Visa.
6. Job availability.
I did list money, right? I can pretty much list the same damn things over and over again. These are all fears, something I shouldn’t let control my life. Are they truly reasons to hold myself back? Everyone says, “Do it!” However, if you were in my shoes, would you truly ‘do it’ or have the deep fear I hold?
What I do know is that I love Benni. He is supportive and accepting of whatever decision I make. If I decide to go to Florida, he will make a solid effort to come to the states. I just know that it will take extreme dedication. We are both willing to make adjustments for each other. I suppose that’s the greatest part of all. Both of us want to be together no matter what it takes. It’s more than complicated missing someone across an ocean. But I have to stay hopeful that my path will lead me to him….maybe Florida….maybe Germany. Right now every day is a struggle in my attempt to get there. When I want something, I want it now. I need and want Benni tomorrow, but if I must wait for him, I really don’t want to wait in Santa Fe. Dear God, please get me out of Santa Fe.