Exhaustion

Falling asleep while standing.
Swallowing enough vitamins to boost a thousand athletes.

Cutting off 3 inches of my "flowing" locks.
Seeking less maintenance.

Dreaming of walking through a never ending labyrinth.
Dreaming of flying monkeys.

Drinking Boost, like an 80 year-old woman.

Allowing my fiance to assist me into my pajamas.
Accepting him as my solitary provider.

Broiling my brain looking at Google to digest side effects.
Knowing too much.

Denying what lies ahead.
Accepting what lies ahead.

Grateful for family.
Grateful for a final diagnosis.

C.r.o.h.n.s. I welcome you into my life. I'm open to the changes you present. I'll conquer your daily interruptions.

HOLD: First I must take a nap....

The core

The center of my body is the core to my existence...
It radiates through to the tips of my fingers...
When it's twinged, it creates my body to spiral into mystification...
I'm at a loss for explanation...
I'm at a loss for alleviation...

The center of my body consumes my daily timetable...
It causes a hesitance to my joy...
It causes arrest to my character...

I'm in control of how it manipulates me daily...
I fight its actions...
I govern my reactions...

The center of my body has a diagnosis of forever...
When it's cordial I welcome its presence...
When it's harmonious I walk on water...

My bond with the center of my body is everlasting...
I can welcome its companionship...
I can be calm toward its boundless grip...

My core,
My center,
My life foe,
My flame.

No, you're a colon!

Life likes to throw darts at you…
Dodge them.
Catch them.
Don’t let them hit you where it hurts.
I’m not one who likes to complain about the deck of cards I’ve been dealt. I can accept it, come to a compromise and move on.
October wasn’t exactly the easiest month for me – turns out either were the last 3 years. I had frequent visits to doctors and the ER. I got used to hearing the diagnosis of Gastritis, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and my favorite, "it's all in your head." It wasn't until I moved to Florida that I demanded a colonoscopy. The procedure in itself is not too bad. You're put under, so the scary thought of someone staring at your bare butt isn't so bad. However, the night before is pure hell. You can forget about getting sleep. You CAN count on spending the entire night with your butt glued to the toilet. Just place some scented candles in the bathroom and a lot of books or magazines. This is generally not a typical procedure for someone under the age of, ohhhh, 40! But this can be a miracle procedure. If it wasn't for that small camera shoved up my butt, I would have waited another three years to be diagnosed. My colonoscopy discovery: Crohns Disease, with Colitis.
Not exactly what I was wanting to hear, but finally it all made sense! Now I have this unpleasant love/hate relationship with GI doctors. My favorite (total sarcasm) was the doctors in Santa Fe. Wow, just WOW! I had a lady GI tell me to "fuc**ing read the labels," she was convinced I had an allergy to dairy. I was "ignoring" whey in the ingredients. Also, she proceeded to tell me that I was depressed and that caused all my stomach pain. Well, heck yeah lady, of course I'm depressed. Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac! About four months later I had my gallbladder removed. Thank you for listening Ms. GI devil woman. Good thing it didn't explode and cause even bigger problems. I still want to write you a mean letter giving you a piece of my mind!


I'm a firm believer in the saying, "follow your gut!" I didn't make it up and I had the symptoms for a reason. Generally it takes doing your own research and approaching the doctors. They never want to take that extra step and find out what's wrong. I've been told I'm a GI doctors worst nightmare. I did watch a lot of Freddy Krueger as a child, but I don't think my symptoms were that scary to approach!
I can gladly say that I'm practically in remission and on my way to figuring out how to live with Crohns. My life will consist of medication and monthly injections, but at least now I know it wasn't all "in my head." You still have to be the squeaky wheel that always gets the grease. I still have to do all my research (with love and support from my family). BUT, I will never again accept the cold shoulder from a doctor. Demand what you want. Now I can sometimes laugh about it all and call myself a colon. Bowel movements tend to be the topic of conversation in the Camarena house...live and laugh.

Makes me dance.

I've been raised in a music driven environment. Turn up the volume, gather around the living room, and dance until you sweat. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

My brother and I were introduced to Latin music at an early age. Our parents would gather the troops and head to Rocky Point, Mexico. We would sit along the beach eating fresh tortillas and blast The Gypsy Kings. Sure you could say, because we're half Mexican it only makes sense to have a family listen to Latin/Hispanic music. Not necessarily. These trips to Mexico were me and my brothers outlet for exploring our culture. We were not raised speaking Spanish, even though my father spoke the language fluently. We were not sheltered from the Hispanic heritage. We were more introduced to its offerings through music and immersion. I would in no way say we were a "traditional" Hispanic family - especially relating to religion. I've recognized that those close around me have taken love to the Hispanic and Latin culture.
(Note: Now, I understand that the terms "Hispanic" and "Latin" carry certain historical weights. I'm not trying to be overly politically correct here. I am just trying to generalize to speak of the music).
Numerous gringo (no offense), OK "white," friends of mine had learned to speak Spanish or had traveled to a Latin/Hispanic country. This definitely makes me feel like a pretend Mexican, but also makes me proud. Spanish is a beautiful language and so is all the music from the culture. I can gather with my friends and salsa, mambo, meringue and rumba. We all have a love for its movements and feelings it delivers.


While living in Santa Fe, I was introduced to a band called Ojos de Brujo. The group collaborated in Barcelona during 2002. Their music is immensely experimental and unparalleled. Their Techari (insert accent above the i) style speaks for itself through their lyrics. Flamenco is dominant when listening to their music. However, you can also point out their flavor of Catalan rumba, hip-hop and hints of Indian beats.
This band is unique with it's style, but also because they began to publish their own work without the help of a label. They toured across the globe in Latin America and the United States. Eventually they established their own label called La Fabrica de Colores. Their music does not speak of politics, but more of social situations. Their music videos are vivid and sensual. Hop on your computer, search for this band. You will discover a highly addicting jipjop flamenkillo!

Collections

1. Pick me up with your boney fingers, and wretched compassion. I could lie there for hours, nobody would understand that I don't mind the puddle blurring my vision and clogging my oxygen. I won't regret doing anything or saying anything. You can drop me, stop me, kick me in my tracks, while forcing those evil acts. I rarely lie nor can confide in your loveless shame of a game that makes me shake every day, rather than play along. Go back to start, I'm a work of art, that can possess and caress an audience of love makers, not afraid to be caretakers. Shut the door, and let me return back to the floor, because I could lie there for hours upon hours. Watch me cry and realize your worthless presence as a man who thinks he can pick me up with those boney fingers.



2. If I opened a book and looked at all the words and pages displayed before me, I would quiet down and focus and not notice my muffled mind relaxing. My eyes would ignore the LCD glaring and sharing its careless opinions that fool men and women and focus on the driven and given human words of peace and love. Without you and me conversing in the extensive unspoken parts of our mind combined to form a unison of our path to tomorrow, we would be lonesome unspoken bones covered weakly with no touch.
To just shut up and stitch our mouths closed shut is ignorance and the way of the Republican mind not mine. How thoughtless today we say it's time to make a change and selfishly weigh our wants and givings without blinking. If I stood legless at the edge of cliff with my limb swaying right to left ready to progress into an uninviting hole, you'd be there writing a scroll of what a good person I used to be. Instead of using your limb as my savior as a favor to mankind and all we represent. Don't stink just think of how without the other we would reek and ignore the meek whose words may in time change your mind and reverse the curse of today's petty ways.


3. I lie awake starring at the ceiling crawling with spiders that fall from their web into my bed. Their legs tickle my face as they settle in their place. right on my eyes to disguise the pain I feel in my chest. Not allowing me to rest. I feel panic to scream about all my horrifying dreams that keep me awake. I can welcome the spiders as a companion to my stress in my struggled mess of no sleep. They force my eyes to close to which they propose a darkness of imagination. To dream of a place with infinite grace of green trees. I fall to my knees and stare at the sky and clouds that sore by. this should be my dreams, silent of any screams.

After all, we do share blood.

There's not enough time to undo this pollution within me.
I will hold this grievance tight between my fists.
Actions so unreflective....so wasteful.
I've been undone so often that our link may never again attach.
Heartbroken and always melting, I will anchor myself at a distance.

I will await the day to hug you and feel proud - no bad blood. No bitterness.
If I walk down the aisle in my white dress, you will be at my side.
Free of your demons and releasing me of mine.
Our love will mend and the illness floating within you will fade.

"Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try."

I think it’s ok to say I’m obsessed with '80s to early '90s films (mostly the teeny bop ones).

Easily, it can be traced to my childhood. I obsessively rented the same flicks every weekend. A lot of the movies were definitely too adult for me, having no idea about relationships or love, however. Later down the road they became even better. In fact, I think I like them even more today. They were definitely a little out of style and super corny come the mid and late-90’s. I was attracted to the ones with stylish teens such as: Sarah Jessica Parker, Shannen Doherty, Dan Gauthier, Molly Ringwald, Jon Cryer, James Spader and Andrew McCarthy – that list is a poor summarization. I think I just simply love how most of the films are simple. The plots are not complex, and you can guess the ending within the first two seconds of watching. Watching 80’s movies requires no brain cells, but yet it makes you so happy. I can see why so many of them have become cult classics.


The other night I watched Cry Baby with my brother. The acting is over the top, which leaves no possibility to judge for bad acting. I’d definitely classify it as a sloppy musical (it has been on Broadway people). Who cares that it doesn’t have the greatest musical score around? I loved every second of it. Johnny Depp never fails in playing his roles, especially as a seductive Greaser – let’s not forget he’s the only one who can pull off a ghetto teardrop tattoo. Oh, and I think Hatchet-face completely stole the performance in this one – sorry Johnny. They make her so disturbingly ugly. I’m trying to blame it all on the makeup. If the life of Cry Baby were real, I’d have to say that I would want to be a “drape.” Ha, I’m totally a nerd.


So besides Cry Baby totally rocking, I’d have to say Pretty In Pink is by far my favorite. I think it’s because, when I was little I desperately wanted to fall in love. If someone would have told me it was totally heartbreaking and challenging; I would have thought differently. I guess in some ways this movie was a little more realistic. John Hughes is a genius in my book. He is one of the only writers who can relate to young people using great, unique comedy (R.I.P). He created the “Brat Pack,” that will never be recreated today. Don’t even think about placing those High School Musical kids in the same category. Of course I always wanted Andy to fall in love with Duckie. Even though today Jon Cryer isn’t so hot – physically anyway. I still to this day can pop in the soundtrack and it will take me back to a time in my life where I was a dreamer. If only my Hot Topic Pretty In Pink t-shirt still fit.


I don’t want to ramble on about ALL the 80’s films I love, because that would be boring. I guess I will just talk about more one and then list my favorites towards the end. Aw, sweet, sweet Sixteen Candles. What the heck is it about this movie that makes it so memorable? Is it Long Duk Dong? Or the amazing “Brat Pack” kids? The Geek/Farmer Ted? I guess we all knew someone that reminded us of him. You so badly wanted them to grow past their awkward phase. I think Sixteen Candles has classic movie quotes that will always be amazing, just like Heathers: “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” Better yet, “Did you have a tumor for breakfast?” Ok, back on topic. All the characters in the movie are important: the jock, the prom queen, the freshman, the geek, and the foreign exchange student. However, I think the Donger won the show in so many parts. “Dong…Dong, where is my automobile?” OR just the random conversations between two characters:
Jake: “I’m being serious, ok. She looks at me like she’s in love with me.”
Jock: “Maybe she’s retarded.”
Anyway, I hope that later down the road, my kids (yikes) have enjoyable movies to watch from my time. I hope it doesn’t come off as just the ones with sluts with big butts and thousands of curse words. I think we’ve got some classics though. Nothing will ever beat my favorites:

Teen Witch
Breakfast Club (duh)
Girls Just Want to Have Fun
The Goonies
Uncles Buck
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
Weird Science
Curly Sue
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Say Anything
Heathers
The Outsiders
The Lost Boys
Can’t Buy Me Love
Adventures in Babysitting

AMEN!