"I can't offer you a legally binding union...."

This evening I went to see Moonrise Kingdom. The film was absolutely brilliant. I'm never disappointed in Wes Anderson, and this time I felt his imagination was truly magical. Some people may just call it "cute," because of the cast being mainly children, and Anderson takes you on a youthful adventure. However, I found it so easy to relate to and I was completely engrossed emotionally . It touched my heart and made me laugh. It gave me an old feeling of what it's like to be in love, and think only of the love you're in... I must honestly say that it has been a few years since I've felt that maddening, can't live without you, kind of love. A German man swept me off my feet years back. There was truly that constant feeling of happiness. I wouldn't dare share the reasons it didn't work out (none of which is negative), but I do know that I miss that kind of love. Our relationship reminded me of Moonrise Kingdom. We would do anything and everything to attempt to be together (mainly in the same country, haha). I suppose I've learned to never doubt what I feel. Even if it's a minute tickle in your gut that comes frequently. I believe we all question our emotions and intentions from time to time; however, if it's constant, then it's not very reassuring you're on the right path. In my case I believe my disease gave me a weakness when I was first diagnosed. I felt my self-worth deplete. There was no way I could be loved, when I struggled loving myself. I began a new life filled with medication, hospitals, doctors, and constant side effects. I wanted to be loved...even if I didn't love equally back; even if I questioned my love, and even if I felt my life was going in an odd direction. This was my mistake: not loving myself. I know that mistakes are something to grow and learn from...move forward. I know now that I don't need to settle. I don't need to let a disease make me feel like no one will love me. I'm not trying to make this sound like a sappy, sad blog. I'm more excited that Moonrise Kingdom brought me that wonderful feeling of HOPE FOR LOVE! I may have ignored all the signs before, but from here on I will value what I know I deserve. Wouldn't that be wonderful to have that childlike first love again? I look at all my great friends who are happily in relationships and marriages. I can honestly say that I've always valued my friends decisions. No one is perfect, and even the ones who didn't work out were special at one time. I'm even hopeful for my friends who are still searching for that great love. Are you throwing up yet? I know that those I love deserve the ultimate love from a partner. If you haven't seen this film, get out there and see it. There was something inspiring about a cast full of children, and the way Anderson brought maturity to their characters. It just made my freaking day!

Cousin Ben (to Suzy and Sam): "I can't offer you a legally binding union. It won't hold up in the state, the county or frankly any courtroom in the world due to your age, lack of license and failure to get parental consent. But, the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves. You can't enter into this lightly. Look into my eyes: Do you love each other?" Suzy: "Yes, we do." Cousin Ben: "Think about what I'm saying, are you sure you're ready for this?" Suzy: "Yes, we are." Cousin Ben: "They're not listening to me. Let me rephrase it..." Suzy: "We're in a hurry." Cousin Ben: "Are you chewing...spit out the gum sister. In fact everybody." (Everyone spits out gum) "I don't like the snappy attitude. This is the most important decision you've made in your lives. Go over by that trampoline and talk it through before you give me another quick answer."

southwest toe tapper

she was born into a unique dynamic
commotion and hoopla gave welcome among the house walls
she flapped her metal shoes on the polished, wooden floors
leaving traces of rhythm and released energy

the dog watched, very irked at the sound
his legs spread out, toenails scraping the couch pillows
her tongue rested upon her bottom lip
and her eyes faded in and out
she’d rather dream of alley cats

the egg frying heat was uninviting to the girl
her imagination would be better spent on the dance floor
near her was a piano, a drum set, a flute and the music player
today the chlorine and the stale air was at a distance

her mother stood at the kitchen sink
she wore yellow rubber gloves
and splashed water across the counters every time she got excited on the phone
“I can’t believe she said that,” her mother would say.
the telephone was her way to pass the time while preparing lunch
tortilla and eggs, mixed together with melted cheddar cheese
a mexican combination to bring culture to the kids
english was their only language
their last name was the only thing that gave a hint of their ethnicity

the girl didn’t pay notice to the noise coming from her size 8 feet
her mother could easily speak over her visionary beats
shuffle
flap
hope, brush step...hop
she was in a euphoric world
where every word was sung
and every woman wore glitter
hair glazed in pin curls

double irish
draw back, draw back, draw back
flap

there was a knock at the back door
through the glass was her neighbors nose
compressed against the door, looking in
her other half
wearing her bathing suit
towel in hand, dragging on the carport cement

the girl looked down at her tapping shoes
and glanced at her friend
she balanced on one leg, taking the right shoe off first
she set her shoes side by side on the wooden floor
she’d tap later


she ran outside to smell the chlorine
she looked up at the sun, feeling the stale air
“ok, today we’re mermaids and our father won’t let us explore the deep sea.”

Slumber

The dream is all about the dreamer...

Softly resting on the cotton sheets
I curl my toes up against my loves and wait for the warmth to soothe me
My eyelids shutter, and my mind soars
Shades of murky colors draw my attention
I begin to build castles in the air
Conjure up the events in my life
Make believe life is faultless
I ride along with my minds artistry
Whether it takes me to darkness or light
I pursue.

When it becomes somber, my heart races
My chest tightens and my palms begin to sweat
I'm curious as to what awaits me
What will I see, who will I see
What will my mind design
What kind of playground will I encounter
I will awake bewildered as to what kind of twisted things I create
Relief is my first emotion
Happy to be back in reality


The new night awaits me and I'm suspicious of the darkness
If I chant over and over to see the light
Maybe the darkness will rest
Sweet dreams.

Oh that man of mine...

I love a man from Burque
he's as wild as a turkey,

His boots have traveled far
and he's followed every star,

There's light in his eyes every day
and the kindness of his heart is simply his way,

He asked me to be his wife
and together we will live an adventurous life,

We will have chickens and pigs
and make kabobs from twigs,

We'll cuddle warmly by the fire
and look at each other and admire,

Our love travels through the earths roots
and spreads every step of his boots,

I give him my word to be forever by his side
and buckle in for our wild ride.

My Future. My Fiance.

He holds my hand when we walk through thorns.
He picks me up when we walk over puddles.

He is the support to my balance.
He is the calmness to my core.


He guides me to my destination when I struggle to find my way.
He makes the path with his bare hands for me to follow.
He awaits calmly by my side to make sure I do not stumble.


He rides with me on my derailed roller coaster.
He laughs and smiles as the breeze arrays his face.

He is my one and only..he is my everything...he is my rock.

Exhaustion

Falling asleep while standing.
Swallowing enough vitamins to boost a thousand athletes.

Cutting off 3 inches of my "flowing" locks.
Seeking less maintenance.

Dreaming of walking through a never ending labyrinth.
Dreaming of flying monkeys.

Drinking Boost, like an 80 year-old woman.

Allowing my fiance to assist me into my pajamas.
Accepting him as my solitary provider.

Broiling my brain looking at Google to digest side effects.
Knowing too much.

Denying what lies ahead.
Accepting what lies ahead.

Grateful for family.
Grateful for a final diagnosis.

C.r.o.h.n.s. I welcome you into my life. I'm open to the changes you present. I'll conquer your daily interruptions.

HOLD: First I must take a nap....

The core

The center of my body is the core to my existence...
It radiates through to the tips of my fingers...
When it's twinged, it creates my body to spiral into mystification...
I'm at a loss for explanation...
I'm at a loss for alleviation...

The center of my body consumes my daily timetable...
It causes a hesitance to my joy...
It causes arrest to my character...

I'm in control of how it manipulates me daily...
I fight its actions...
I govern my reactions...

The center of my body has a diagnosis of forever...
When it's cordial I welcome its presence...
When it's harmonious I walk on water...

My bond with the center of my body is everlasting...
I can welcome its companionship...
I can be calm toward its boundless grip...

My core,
My center,
My life foe,
My flame.